Saturday, June 29, 2019

Finding Joy

                                          Image result for Joy gif
 I've been struggling with joy lately. I think we all sometimes struggle with joy, and feeling fulfilled in this life. It will always be an internal struggle of wondering if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. I think social media plays a big role in stolen joy, because we see these glimpses of peoples lives where we see nothing but happy beach photos, or clean kitchens and phony smiles. We've created this false sense of happy, and believe that the grass is always greener.
 I know I have a few people I follow on Instagram that truly always look like every moment of life brings them joy. I envy that so hard, especially lately. I've been feeling lost about my career, my blog, my direction. I've been frustrated because not every minute of mothering is joyful, and life is hard.
 I told my husband I wanted to stop blogging because it wasn't bringing me joy. I said to him "I'm a joyless human being. Nothing makes me feel fulfilled anymore." It was hard saying that out loud, and the guilt was strong. Do I even deserve kids, if they don't bring me joy every second of everyday? I felt ashamed. I have no hobbies, limited social interaction, and I'm just so burnt out all the time. I have the kids, baseball and keeping this god damn house clean, and when I can squeeze it in, the blog. But the blog became a job, trying to monetize content, creating well crafted Instagram posts, and graphics. The idea of taking the hour or 10 to write a blog post made my stomach hurt. When I started this, it was my outlet. It was where I could share the real, raw and hilarious moments of my journey, and it turned into my career, a book, and my life. The stress of feeling like I don't contribute, even though my to-do list is 48 miles long drove me to madness, and killed my joy.
 I looked up at the Squatch after I told him I was joyless, and gave me a comforting smile, and said the wisest thing he's said to date. He told me, "I think you're focusing too much on the mundane things. Life isn't just happiness all the time. The kids are hard, life is hard, but you have to start living for those little moments that make you laugh, and bring you joy. Let those define your day."  He then proceeded to tell me a story of a guy who got racked at work that day, and how that's how he was choosing to define his day, not by the frustrating moments. He reminded me that we are long way off from gratification from the kids, and reminded me that I do feel joy, and that he sees it. Sometimes, he's more insightful then I realize.
 I'm not hanging up the blog, like I thought I was going to do a week ago. I am making a shift, and finding my joyful moments again. I'm going to be shifting a bit from lifestyle writing and start dabbling in comedy, because making others laugh really brings me a crazy amount of joy.
As always, thanks for sticking with my on this journey.

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