Saturday, February 2, 2019

Not the best, but not the worst.

                                                           Anxiety is a mother f*cker. 
                               Image result for chrissy teigen gif

 That's just the cold hard truth. Anxiety takes of lot of forms, and sometimes mine manifests as comedy. I make jokes about my feelings, naturally. My depression does the same. In fact a lot of my mental illness at it's peak manifests as humor. Making people laugh somehow temporarily eases the things in my life that I can't always control. It's as if making a joke about my feelings, and having people laugh makes my feelings seem less scary. "If they can laugh at it, I can too." Is kind of the mentality that takes over.
  Sometimes making myself laugh is the best medicine too, so here's one of those stories. Not only did I make myself laugh but my husband thought it was great too.
  We've all been filling up our car at a gas station when we see them... Those promotional sales people with the vests and over killer pep. They're acting excited, and really pushing whatever the fuck they're selling. In this case it was like a tire, window sparkly hybrid thing, I don't know. People are often rude to them, and I try really hard not to be. I smile, but avoid them at all costs possible. They are just doing their jobs. Typically I just call my husband so they don't approach me. This time I had to think of a new game plan. Squatch was in a meeting until 3... That was an hour.
 I saw her... the young girl approach in her red vest. I quickly dialed my husband, but it went straight to voicemail. I was the only one that knew that. So in a hushed tone I said "Hey, I'm calling you because there are those gas station people here that want to sell me things, and I have social anxiety so please just ignore the rest of this message."
 Then I began the 5 minute conversation with my husbands voicemail, as if he were answering me. Red Vest girl watched me out of the corner of her eye until an unsuspecting Hyundai pulled to the pump across the way. I hung up the phone thinking I was free. I hung up the pump and turned to get in my car. Then it happened. A third vest popped around the front of my minivan. 
  "HEY GIRLFRIEND!!!! HOW'S IT GOING?!" her voice was loud, and full of false enthusiasm. I panicked and smiled.
 "I notice your van isn't looking so hot! I have this spray that acts as a wax! It's window and tire safe! Mind if I show you how it works?" Her voice echoed through the pump area. This was my opportunity to say "No thanks! Not today." but instead I panicked, per usual. I knew there would be banter back and forth about how quick it would be, and I just didn't want that. I tried thinking of an excuse, which now I can think of 30 off the top of my head. So I panicked answered.
 Because I'm the Mom of two boys, and our whole life is poop jokes my brain went right to that. Before I could control what my mouth was throwing out of my mouth it happened. My instinctive response was, "I'm so sorry but I really have to poop."

 After I realized what I said, I flung myself into the Hotness (what we call the minivan) and shoved my key in as fast as humanly possible. I have no idea if this girl even responded, and I definitely didn't stop to look at her face. I peeled out of there so fast that I'm pretty sure bystanders would have thought I robbed the place.
 I said out loud to myself, "Really? Having to poop was all you could come up with?" Then the laughter started. Later I got a call from my husband about the super long voicemail he got, and I told him the rest of the saga. We laughed on the phone for a good 10 minutes. He told me that although that wasn't the best excuse, it wasn't the worst either. We laughed some more.
 Really the moral here is, if you ever want to not talk to sales people, don't tell them you have to poop. Or do, and then email me about it.


 I have some really exciting merch coming for the blog! Including the "Condoms Prevent Minivans" sticker that has offended almost as many people as this blog has. If you haven't bought my book, "Nobody F#@&ing Told Me" yet you can do so HERE

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