Monday, February 4, 2019

Empty Cup

As I stare out my big front window at the sunrise, my focus is elsewhere. I hear the whining of one child in the background, and the attitude of another. The dogs are hungry, and the Keurig is grumbling. Some people day dream about sitting on a beach, or laying on the deck of a luxurious cruise. Don't get me wrong, my mind goes there too... but today is different. Today I'm fantasizing about going to work.
After waking up, hours after the kids I would get a long, hot shower. I'd get dressed in peace, and curl my hair without having to move both kids 500 times. I'd fill up my travel mug and walk out the door, leaving the chaos behind me. In this fantasy my husband is the one doing the laundry, dishes and planning meals. I'd enjoy a quiet car ride while I listen to my Podcasts in peace. No screaming,  no seat kicking. I'd get to my job, in real clothing (not just leggings and an oversized V-Neck.) I'd say hello to adults, and then we'd get to have a conversation about anything we wanted without the interruption of little voices and hands pulling me away. I'd sit at my computer without the sound of screaming kids. Maybe I'd get to crank out a few blog posts in my down time. Someone would ask if I wanted to go to lunch. I'd eat a hot meal, and not share it. My water glass would be my own, and lack the usual floating goobers that I've become accustom to. When I needed to really focus on my work, I'd put in my head phones, powering away, uninterrupted. At the end of the day I'd have the freedom to stop wherever. Maybe squeeze in a happy hour with coworkers.
 When I got home there would be a hot meal ready for me, and the kids would be ready for bed. I could kick up my feet, and relax.
 Later I'd go into a room with a made bed. Laundry would be put away, and I'd get to fall asleep effortlessly and sleep a full night.

  I know this fantasy is so wildly unrealistic. I know there are parents on the other side of the coin who so desperately would love to stay home. The grass is greener, right?  The Mom burn out is so real, and frustrating.When I'm feeling overworked, I can't just request a week off. My work here is endless, and exhausting. Today I'm feeling the burn out, hard. I can self care all I want but I'm just going to have to ride the wave of this burn out. No amount of journaling, face masks, or crying in my car will fix the way I feel today. Tomorrow, or maybe the day after I'll wake up feeling better, and thankful that I get to stay home with my kids. Today is not that day, and that's okay.
 I messaged my group of friends, and told them how I felt. I was met with love, and understanding. There are ways to "prevent" this burn out, but I'm not going to get into that today. Today this was the way to air my grievances. I will admit that writing this all out made me feel at least 80 times better then I did. I remember a time where I would feel so ashamed to share these feelings, but now I say "Fuck it."
                                  My feelings, and yours too are so valid. 

bonus photo of the sunrise from my front window.

1 comment:

  1. I have NO IDEA how you moms do it. You’re the living, breathing version of a superhero in my opinion. I’m sorry that you’re feeling the burn out like this, but I hope that you can find some peace and get some you time in there. It’s great you can see yourself getting to the point you’re at. Now don’t let anyone who doesn’t need to sip from your cup do that until it’s full again. ❤️