Saturday, July 7, 2018

Stopping the Binge Cycle


 I have been "fat" my whole life. As a kid I was always the pudgy one in my class. The first time I was called fat was in Kindergarten by a girl named Summer. I remember every second of that interaction. I tried my first diet in third grade.It was in a magazine that was buried under my sister's bed. I laid on her bedroom floor doing "crunches" until my back hurt. By fifth grade I struggled harder. I was still the fat girl with big rosey cheeks. I hated myself, but played it off with humor. The summer before 6th grade I started not eating. I would go 2 days without eating, and then I'd binge. That started my really fucked up relationship with food. Food then became a comfort. My sadness went away when I drowned it in garbage eating. Food was me treatment, or drug of choice.
 Before 9th grade I didn't want to be the fat girl anymore. I was in a new city where no one knew me. I went to the gym at our apartment complex. I used the treadmill and weights, but you can't out run a bad diet. My Dad was an emotional eater too. When things weren't right we'd get an ice cream, or Taco Bell. I would yo-yo with food daily. Some days I'd eat normal, or not at all. Then I'd binge out of sadness. I was ashamed of how I looked and who I was so I did everything I could to mask that.
 My junior year I decided that "enough was enough" I was going to get skinny. I sat on my bed and googled weight loss tip, and how to stop binge eating. I ended up on a Pro-Anorexia site. It told me to add dish soap to my food so I wouldn't eat it. I did that. I secretly put dish soap in all my dinners that week. I ate cottage cheese for breakfast, and water for lunch. I kept telling myself that if I could make it through the summer like this I'd be thin. After a week in I quit one unhealthy way of eating, and started another. I was starving. Literally starving myself in an effort to be "skinny." I said "fuck it" and continued on my paths of binge cycling. The endless binge cycle continued into my adult life.

When I was 18 I actually started to lose some weight. I was working out crazy hard, and counting calories. I limited myself to 1000 calories a day, and I worked out for an hour every single day. I took Hydroxicut like it was candy. I thought I was getting healthy, when really I was just doing stupid things, and seeing results.
 I was once again spiraling down a path of unhealthy habits in an attempt to get skinny. When I was alone I'd still binge eat, and then hate myself and go for a bike ride. Although I was losing weight, I wasn't losing it the right way. I ended up giving up after 6 months when I wasn't even at a size 12.
 Over the few years, and a pregnancy later I was at 270 pounds. I hated myself but I accepted that I was just fat. It's who I was and I would never get any better. I tried every single "get thin quick" product out there. ItWorks, Thrive, Plexus. You name it, I tried it. Nothing was really changing. I would lose a few pounds, and then go right back to my emotional eating habits.

Christmas 2016, highest weight of 270 size 22, 2XL
In December of 2016 B decided something had to change for both of us. He sent me a link to the Keto Subreddit and said "Let's do this." I was really skeptical. There was no way this diet was going to work. I was fat, and would be forever. We started right before New Years. I hated it. I wanted sugar so damn bad. I had spent years eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn't get on the scale for over a month. I didn't notice a weight difference. I stepped on the scale. I was 23 pounds down. I checked 7 times because I didn't believe it.
 Over the next few months not only was I losing weight, but I was changing my habits. I was learning about how food was fuel, not just a treat or coping mechanism. I knew what made my body feel good. Keto has become so much more than a diet for me. It ended my terrible cycles with binge eating, and hating myself. Not only have a lost weight, but I've learned to love myself. I've stopped associating eating with guilt, and emotion. If I choose to eat something on keto, or carb filled I know longer beat myself up because I know how to properly fuel my body.

June 2017- size 12 weight 203
I lost 60 pounds in 8 months, going from a size 22/2XL to a size 12/M-L. For the first time in my life I didn't cringe in front of the mirror. I ended up getting pregnant in July and only gained 14 pounds throughout a healthy pregnancy. Today I'm still working on losing the baby weight, and that's okay. I still don't hate myself. I'm not where I want to be but following a ketogenic diet has given me the tools to get there.
 Our choice to go keto started as a vanity decision, and turned into a life changing one. If you are thinking of going keto I encourage you to do your research. Talk to your doctor, and truly educate yourself. Keto isn't for everyone. Don't focus on the scale. Truly focus on how you feel. Track inches, not pounds. Fuel yourself properly, and realize that eating shouldn't come with guilt.

2016 vs Now 

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