Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Humbled, a Weiner story.


 Toddlers are the most humbling little humans. Just when you think you have a grasp on parenting them they do something to knock your ass back down to reality. They know when we think we're in charge they remind you that you're merely a peasant in their world who is in charge of getting fruit snacks.
 Last week we experienced one of those moments. We stopped in Walgreen's to pick up some things and let Tater use the potty. It was just me and the two boys in line. I had the baby carrier in one hand, and our items and my wallet in the other. Tater was standing by my side in the long line. He was spinning around, and looking at candy. I kept asking him to just stand still, be patient, wait just a little longer. He wasn't having it, like most 3 year old kids.  He finally came and stood in front of me, swinging his arms around. I looked down at Tot to make sure he was doing okay. All of a sudden I feel something hit my foot. I look up and it's Tater's pants.
What happened next was basically in slow motion. He looked around, shook his hips and shouted                                                       "LOOK AT MY WIENER!"
 I froze for half a second before throwing my items to the ground. With one hand I attempted to pull his pants up from around his ankles. He giggled and tried to run away saying "You can't catch me!" I one handed wrestled his shorts on, breaking a minor sweat in the process. For some reason I didn't think of setting the baby seat down. Tater was still laughing as I looked up to see what kind of judgment I was getting. The two men in the line in front of me were laughing. One (who probably had kids and had been there) had tears in his eyes. The woman at the front of the line just glared at me like it was my fault that my kid thinks his penis is hilarious. I did the shameful head nod while making a face of apology, mixed with Chrissy Teigen's legendary Golden Globe's face.
                                    Image result for chrissy teigen face
                                                             This face.
 I tried to use this as a teaching moment. I (tried) to calmly explain that we don't pull our pants down in public. He didn't give two. shits. He had an audience laughing at him. He knew he did something I didn't like which in his mind was pure gold. He made this cheesy ass face at me. I tried not to smile. I was so embarrassed, yet not embarrassed enough to leave.
 Without really thinking about what I was saying I said "Buddy, you can't do that when you're 18. They'll make you register as a sex offender." At this point the bearded gentleman in front of me absolutely lost it. He laughed a deep, belly laugh. I nervous giggled, because that had just come out like stressful word vomit. I need to find a new coping mechanism other then dry humor and sarcasm.
The line moved quickly at that point and we got out of there. I was knocked off my parenting pedestal.
 I called the Sasquatch when I got to the car. We laughed... oh boy did we laugh. This kid throws us for a loop everyday. Some days we have minimal control, other days we have absolutely none. We are learning, everyday.

 If you have a boy and haven't seen the PSA by Kristina Kuzmic you need to. HERE is the link. Go watch it.

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