Monday, April 17, 2017

Kid Gyms

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 Kid gyms. Let's have a fun chat about these germ filled buildings of tears, and broken dreams.
We go at least 2 times a month, and I have a love/hate relationship. It takes a certain amount of mental preparation to get me to take my son there. There are 3 facts I know when it comes to kid gyms.
1)My kid is going to get sick.
2)Someones kid is going to say Fuck
3)I'm going to hate 80% of the Moms that are in there.
Now before we talk about "Mom shaming, and being kind" I want to explain why I don't like them. There is ALWAYS a group of Moms in overpriced see through yoga pants, sitting in the cafe and not watching their children. They usually roll their eyes at my mismatched watermelon socks, and my flawfilled(I am aware that isn't a word.) dry shampoo-ed to no end ponytail. The best part about that group is it's usually one of their procreation miracles who says "FUCK" really loud, or bites someone.
  When we get in the car to go I give myself a mental pep talk. I tell myself nice things, and say that if I'm a good Mom I can get an iced coffee afterward. I should be having that conversation with my kid, but who am I kidding. He is better behaved in social situations than I am. We pull into the parking lot and I sit for a second. Secretly I pray that it's closed, but at the same time if this toddler demon doesn't burn energy it's not going to be a good day. We walk inside, the kid takes off and I pay. As a parent, I too have to take my shoes off. ---> Side note, DON'T BE THAT ASSHOLE PARENT THAT DOESN'T TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF.
  I wander around with the small human, ackwardly making eye contact with other parents that are there alone. There is always to token stay at home Dad. Everyone looks at that guy like he's a god damn unicorn.A child is running around SCREAMING. Life is normal. I walk toward the back where Tater always runs to. I scan the perimeter like I'm some mall cop.
 Fifteen minutes in I relax a little bit. Tater is usually playing with someone, or a ball. I'll casually make small talk with Unicorn Dad. Sometimes, a cool Mom will compliment my socks. I really try to wear matching socks, I do. It's hard to wear socks when you rarely wear shoes though. I keep a random pair in my car just for the kid gym.
 30 minutes pass, and things are getting a little nuts. Some little asshole shoved my kid down, and instead of crying he just wanted to hug the bully. Sweet, little granola baby. Kid is going to be a hippie. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm reminding myself of that ice coffee that I do deserve. I've said (both mentally and out loud) WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! to other children at least 84.5 times. Yoga pant, stick ass mom group is laughing, and the rest of the cafe parents have head phones in. One kid is stuck in the bounce house.
 45 minutes. Tater walks over to me and asks for a snack. We wash hands because kids are gross, and eat the unorganic apple sauce pouch. It's Costco brand so the sanctimoms are really starring at me know. He drinks and water and back to the playground. Token Dad makes eye contract and does the "I'm visibly exhausted and my children are going to kill me" face.
   We make it passed an hour. The Tater is slowing down. I'm feeling victorious. We have a mini melt down as I put shoes on him. Off to the car we go. I'm really excited about that ice coffee now. I earned it, damnit! We pull in to Starbucks and I pat myself on the back.
   I didn't swear or punch anyone. Life is good.

There was no purpose to this post other than to let you into my head while I go to the kid gym.
Happy Monday!

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