Monday, August 24, 2015

Failure, frustration, forgiveness.

  Failure. It's a small word, that when used properly used packs the punch of a thousand fists. It's almost as bad as when you were a kid and your parents used "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Being a parent (and as a new parent I feel it a lot) is often feeling like you could/should have done things better, or different. "We should have saved better" "We should have planned better" "We should have made sure things were taken care of" are just a few of things my sweet husband and I have tossed around in the past few weeks; months actually. Then when the should have/ could haves start to pile up, and there become more everyday you get lost in it. It's like the mind is drowning in a constant reminder that you have done something wrong... or to easily put it; you've failed.
  I constantly feel like I'm failing everyone around me. My friends, my family, my son, but what I really feel like I've failed is myself. Once you are in this "Shoulda/Coulda/Woulda" mindset it seems so easy to find everything you hate about yourself, about your life. I knit pick at my body, because I've failed to lose the baby weight. I knit pick our finances because I shouldn't have quit my job. I start seeing everything I do is a complete failure. Then things start actually going wrong. I will burn dinner, or shrink my shirt. Then a small, but intense meltdown happens... 
  I start babbling about how I'm a failure. I'm in debt to my eyeballs, I'm not doing what I wanted to. I've never been traveling or this, that and the other thing. Sometimes depending on what is going wrong, I say that I shouldn't be a Mom, and that I've failed at being able to take care of my son. It turns in to a high school fight with a mean girl, but that mean girl is myself. 
  Something magical happens at that point. My sweet, patient Husband usually wraps me in a hug and reminds me of all the wonderful things in our life together. Usually it takes me a few minutes to let it sink in.
 However living is expensive, so my B has to work. Sometimes I naturally feel this way when he's gone. I break down, and do the whole process all over again. Sometimes I use my feelings of total failure to clean my house. I harness the evil for good, I suppose. I can't always aggressively Swiffer, so when that doesn't work my mind runs wild. I argue with myself about how we will fix the scary things in our life, and how I will lose the weight. I worry about what dinner will be, and when the couch will get vacuumed. 
  Last night was one of those nights. I was worried, scared, and felt like I had truly failed. My group of Mom friends had a rough day, and we took it our on one another. I feel like I failed as a friend. Tater wouldn't stop crying, and I didn't know why... another feeling of failure, and to top it all off, I forgot to cook dinner for B who was at work all day. That's three "failures" on top of the others that loom over me. 
I cried.
  (I firmly believe that the universe is an amazing place, in which everything happens for a reason) 
  As I was sobbing I opened Facebook, and the first post I see is from my friend's Mother:

  I opened my crusty, teary eyes and laughed. It's amazing how somethings just punch you in the face when you need it the most. I haven't failed as a Mom, I just have found some ways not to be the Mom I want to be. I'm not failing at losing the 'baby weight', I've just learned there are 10,000 snacks you shouldn't eat. I didn't fail as a friend, or a wife. What's amazing is that I can still make mistakes, but I'm not failing. So now that I've found the ways that don't work, it's time to start appreciating the things that do work. I have to embrace the things that I suck at, and try to make them better.
 So here is to you, and all that ways you're going to find that don't work. Eventually, you will find a way that does.

Happy Monday! I'm sorry today's post was more of a journal entry. 

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