Monday, June 22, 2015

Target, Father's Day, and Snoop Dogg

  Oh Monday.. We meet again. Why is that every Monday morning I'm greeted with a really shitty diaper? I guess the universe just knows Monday's are full of shit. Mondays are B's Saturday, so I guess my day could be much worse.
  Since it's Monday ( I wonder how many more times I can get Monday into my opening paragraph. I feel like the Sheriff in Sooper Troopers who has to get 'Meow' into his traffic stop 10 times.) that means yesterday was Father's Day. I hope you all wished your Dads, Baby daddies, husbands, significant others, granddads, and step Dads a Happy Father's day.
This year was B's first Father's day and I was so excited! I wanted to find him the perfect gift that wasn't a smart watch, because holy sweet mother of god those are stupid expensive. So naturally I got into my car and headed to the motherland, Target.  As I was in Target trying to figure out what to purchase for B, I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day. On Mother's Day I wanted 5 things.
1) To sleep in
2)Have breakfast in bed
3)Someone else to load the Dishwasher
4) To take a FULL shower
5) To take a gloriously long dump all by myself without any interruption
 And men say we are hard to shop for. pffft.

  Then I recalled on the Father's Days I spent with my Dad as a kid. My dad was always throwing a huge ass BBQ on Father's Day and he loved it! Guys like that kind of shit. So then I thought about the kind of man my B is. He likes BBQing, eating steak, shooting things, drinking beer, getting dirty, and not showering. How am I supposed to pull this off? Why can't men just want a day to relax like Mother's want on their day?
  So I'm standing totally lost in Target. I have no clue how I'm going to approach a present for B. I did however find some really cool pillows in the Clearance section so at least my cart wasn't empty. Kaitlyn, my usual cashier (You know you have a Target problem when you have a usual cashier who you know by first name) approached me and asked if she could help me find anything. I told her my dilemma of not knowing what to get my husband for his first Father's day. She laughed, and explained she always gets her dad Socks and Underwear, or a nice tie. Well shit. If B had anymore socks or underwear, I would need to buy him a special dresser. A tie wouldn't work either, since I've seen him wear one once.
  I began wondering aimlessly down the isles. Does he need a flash drive? No... He has like 500000000000. What about a sweater? It's June... Okay S... THINK. He likes beer. Maybe they have cool beer glasses! I rushed to the kitchenware (Okay we know that's a lie. I snailed through so that way I could look at the shit I didn't need but TOTALLY wanted.) I found the glasses and discovered the only beer glasses they had was a set that I got him for Valentines Day two years ago.
  I wanted to collapse to my knees, look up at the ceiling and scream "NOOOO" but then I realized I wasn't in a Tom Cruise movie. I swallowed my defeat and headed over to the card section. Maybe if I found a card I could find a gift to go along with it. I walked the back isles of course to look at clearance.
  I made it to the cards with only two more items tossed into my cart. I read probably a dozen cards before I found the one. It was worded to be from Tater. There were two cartoon lions on the front- one cub, and one Dad. The inside made my soul melt. This was the one. I turned down the next isle to try and figure out a present, then I saw it....

It was a grilling spatula with a bottle opener on the end! I HAD FOUND IT! I grabbed and flung it's awesomeness into the cart. I felt like I just ran in the present Olympics, and got a gold medal. I couldn't wait for the delicious foods that would be flipped with this spatula!
 It only took me 2 hours, and $134.89 in other Target merchandise later to find exactly what I needed.
  I waited patiently for him to wake up on Sunday morning. I had my card, the gift, and Amp... his favorite energy drink. He woke up with me hovering over him like a total creep. I handed over the Amp and let him "Wake up" then I grabbed the kid, handed him over and let B open his card. He got a little teary eyed as he read what "Tater" had written to him... THEN IT WAS TIME. I handed him the creatively wrapped spatula and waited. He ripped off the Christmas paper that it was wrapped in and smiled! He absolutely LOVED it. He officially felt like "That Dad"! Of course I felt cooler then Snoop Dogg at this point. (You know those scenes in action movies where they walk away all sorts of graceful from an exploding building? That is how cool I felt). Instead of jumping for joy, and doing a victory lap around the kitchen, I just smiled and nodded.
 I had won the present Olympics, and I wanted to go to Disney World. B gave me a hug, and said thank you. That was all I needed.

Moral to this really long, overly dramatic story is men are really hard to shop for, and I hope you showed the important men in your life some appreciation yesterday.
  Have a happy, and shitless Monday.


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