Friday, June 19, 2015

Kale- The Asshole of the plant world

     If you've seen my last few posts, you know that I'm currently trying to lose weight. I've been eating really healthy, working my butt off, and drinking so much water that you might as well call me Ariel. In my efforts to eat better I've been trying to eat leafier veggies, and greens. When I starting looking at recipes there was  a lot of hype about Kale. Kale? Before this all I knew about kale was that they used it as filler in Edible Arrangement Bouquets, and that it gave my sister ragging diarrhea. Despite that little fact I decided to try it anyway. Day one I blended it into a Vega smoothie. (By the way the mixed berry is garbage.) I tasted it in all its bitter nastiness. I poured that smoothie right down the sink. Day two I tried sauteing it in some butter with spinach. I put lemon and garlic on it... I put that giant, wilted leafy green to my mouth and took a bite.... 

  I gagged. It was probably the grossest thing I've ever eaten. On top of being disgusting, it also made my insides shut down. 
   So I thought, maybe I'm doing this wrong! Maybe I need to go ahead and put it in something like soup. I went to Pinterest (I'm sure you know how well that went.) I searched all sorts of kale recipes that in theory should have been delicious. I made Kale soup, I mixed it into pasta sauce, I even tried those stupid ass kale chip things... Which by the way turning my oven on when it's 88 degrees outside was a REALLY dumb idea.  
  Every recipe I tried with kale tasted like garbage, or road kill. They got progressively worse as each try went on. (Thanks Pinterest for failing me again) It reminded me of when you leave lettuce in the veggie drawer too long, and it starts to turn into a mix of brown juice and soggy mush. I think I would rather drink that then eat kale. I was giving up on kale. Maybe if it tasted like a Snickers, this wouldn't have happened...
  I took my distaste for the Leafy Satan to social media. My exact words were "I've officially given Kale a fair shot...I've tried multiple recipes and they all suck. I would rather lick a bus stop then ever eat kale again."
   That might be the truest thing I've ever said. Someone needs to print that on a motivational poster. Put it up in Curves, or maybe Mcdonalds. I'm not sure where it fits better.
 Anyway, I got comments of support and agreement, and then there was that one guy who was like "I eat kale raw, and I have no soul". But thanks to my friends, I got some advice on how to try it. Someone told me to just power through and down some water after it. I thought about that for a long while. Water. Sooo I powered some kale down and drank some water... NOPE. In order to get that nasty taste out of my mouth I need something along the lines of everclear, or paint stripper. I got a few laughs from my animosity toward a vegetable. All the support made me happy, and sad at the same time. I realized that people actually like kale...
                             WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??
   I would honestly rather consume Crocs, or spend a day with Nicolas Cage if it meant that all the kale in the world would disappear.  
    Now that I've ranted about kale, and how it shouldn't exist- I want to talk about how my (of course I want to talk some more about me, duh) challenge to lose baby weight is going! With the help of My Fitness Pal, a healthy diet, Phentermine, exercise, and the amazing support of my birth board bitches, husband and family I'm happy to say that I'm down 3 whole pounds! I'm feeling incredible! I have more energy, and I genuinely feel so much better. Each day my work outs get a little more intense but I can handle it! Which is more then I can say I was doing 10 days ago!
  One of the main reasons I think I'm succeeding this time is honestly due to my support. I've talked about my magical "Band of Bitches" before, but their support now means more then ever. We are all in this together. Between pushing each other to workout, to swapping healthy recipes these ladies have truly been a driving force. If you are trying to lose some weight find some sort of support group. The extra push really helps! So if you FC ladies are reading- Thank you. 
If you have any advice or need some support you all know where to find me.

also, sorry to my sister for sharing her poop story.

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