Sunday, April 19, 2015

10 Things to NEVER do at a Grocery Store...

  If we are being honest, I am one of those people who can talk to anyone, anywhere. I can make friends with strangers, and usually I can get a good laugh out of people. I get that little gift from my Dad. In his 40,000 years on Earth, I don't think my Dad has ever met a stranger. I can remember going with him to the grocery store when I was 14-15. He would talk to EVERYONE. He'd make funny comments, or use silly voices. People would either crack up or side eye the shit out of him. (because I thought I was a cool teenager, I was always so embarrassed.)
  Anyway, I'm getting off topic... I can hear my Dad shouting "Bunny!" (he always did that when his ADD kicked in)
  The point of this is that there are acceptable ways to talk to people in the grocery store, and then there are things you should just NEVER do. I would like to point these out, because if one more random stranger tries to kiss my kids feet, I might turn into Jackie Chan.

So without anymore distractions or stories about my Dad... Here are 10 things you should NEVER do in a Grocery Store...

1) Never fall asleep in the lawn furniture section... You will end up on (Yep, that happened... to my Dad...)

2) If you see a pregnant woman do not assume it's okay to touch her belly... Strangers touching your belly is one of the craziest things I've ever experienced. This first person that did it to me, made me panic. I froze, reached out and touched her stomach back. She got startled and all I said "Weird, isn't it?" I hope that woman never does it again... (Also, if you have dirty hands, don't even bother asking, just walk away"

3)Never ask a woman how far along she... Even if you are 100% sure she is pregnant. There is always a chance that she is just a little husky...

4) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is it EVER okay to touch a strangers baby without asking... Cold and Flu season, is no longer just a season when you're a new Mom. It's more like cold and flu eternity. (again, dirty hands thing... just not okay)

5)Crop dusting is one of the worst things you could ever do to someone in a grocery store. Now, that totally doesn't mean I haven't done it. That one lady that like shoves people out of the way to get her .40 cent can of beans... Yeah, I'll admit I've crop dusted that lady... But once I got crop dusted, it was no longer funny. Shit got real.

6) If you can see my child AND my wedding ring, please don't hit on me...

7) Leave your toddler unsupervised in the Bakery Department... Or in any department now that I think about it... I understand, things happen. But when you're talking on your cell phone, well your crotch fruit is throwing cans on the ground Big Daddy style, it's not funny.

8) If you are going to pick your wedgie, please make sure you make sure no one is around... There is nothing weirder than watching someone pick their wedgie in the Dairy Department.

9) Sneezing on your hand, then sampling a handful of grapes, and NOT buying the bag is unacceptable.... Hand sanitizer folks!

10) Finally, if the parking spot says "Expectant Mother, or Families with Small Children" and you are a single male getting beer from the liquor store parked in that spot, I will wait by your car, and point of that I am carrying a human being in a not nice way. Park in a normal spot. Seriously.


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