Thursday, March 26, 2015

Things I'd rather do than scrub my kitchen floor...

    I've never been one to really enjoy cleaning. In fact I hate cleaning with the intensity of one thousand suns, but I enjoy having a clean house. (Really I just need to be rich enough to hire a live in maid. Amazon, seriously start paying me.) Last night I swiffered the kitchen floor and realized it really needs to be scrubbed. Like a good old fashioned, on all fours with a bucket and brush scrubbing... I also really should clean the windows, and vacuum the basement. The idea of doing all of that makes my soul hurt. I wish I was kidding! I feel like a 13 year old trying to clean their room on a Saturday. I just don't want to do it! So instead of cleaning my house, here is a list of things I'd rather do today than scrub my floors.

  1. Get a colonoscopy. That's right folks, I'd rather have a prube shoved up my dirt star to check for polyps then scrub my floors.
  2. Eat tofu 
  3. Go to Wal-Mart (I hate that damn place... So much.)
  4. Spend quality time with Nicolas Cage. (I should probably explain that if there was one person that I could just punch right in the suckhole, it would be him. I hate him with a burning passion. When I was delivering Tater the doctor told me to get mad when I pushed, so I imagined pushing him off of Mount Rushmore.... God even typing about him fills me with rage. If you're reading this Nicolas Cage, I hate you.)
  5. Have a root canal done in alley way by a "Doctor"
  6. Play a soundtrack of someone saying the word 'Moist' (shudder) That word is up there with Nicolas Cage, and Wal-Mart.
  7. Watch a Target burn to the ground. I'm pretty sure that would break my soul.
  8. Clean up dog poop
  9. Call Comcast Customer Service
  10. Watch a Michael Moore documentary
  11. Go to a high school dance
  12. Wear a banana suit in public
  13. Go for a run (fuck running... seriously.)
  14. Eat dollar scoop Chinese food
  15. Have a phone conversation with Rush Limbaugh
  16. Watch Fox News
  17. Watch CNN
  18. Watch Golf
  19. Eat a moldy pop-tart
  20. Drink Decaf coffee (There is a time and place for decaf. That time is never, and that place is in the trash).
  21. Throw up
  22. Eat Jello. I hate the texture, it's like eating snot.
  23. Visit a packed emergency room
  24. Get Ebola
  25. Run through Wal-Mart screaming "I have EBOLA"
  26. Eat Taco Bell
  27. Get diarrhea from eating said Taco Bell
  28. Do 5 Pure Barre classes in a row
  29. Listen to Justin Bieber
  30. Fold someone else's underwear

I really could go on forever... There are so many things I'd rather do then clean...

I better go clean my floors... sigh. 


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