Monday, March 23, 2015

How to offend people, without really trying.

    I'm a lot of inappropriate, well that isn't just on the internet. I promise I'm this outrageous in person. ( I was using words like snatch and crotch fruit the entire time I delivered. My nurse told me I had to stop making her laugh). Sometimes I say things without even realizing I do it. For instance, at a craft store that is known to cater to a more religious demographic, a woman approached me well I was pregnant and asked if I planned to breastfeed. I looked at her with a very serious face and said "No, I just plan to leave a bowl of milk in his crib in case he gets hungry." Not only did she think I was serious, she was INCREDIBLY offended. I honest to god didn't realize what I had said until after it was out of my mouth. She walked away mumbling under her breath about how people like me shouldn't breed.
   Another time at the same store I had him in his stroller, he let out the GNARLIEST fart. It was SO loud, naturally because I'm a 12 year old boy at heart, I started to laugh hysterically. The woman in the isle next to me walked around the corner and said "That was incredibly disgusting, you should be ashamed" and I replied with "I bet that's what your husbands says". That one I felt kind of bad for, but at the same time who gets truly offended by a fart!
  I also never realized saying "That's what she said" was super offensive. I'm a HUGE fan of The Office. I can pretty much quote every episode. So things like TWSS, and Boom, ROASTED! are apart of my daily dialogue. At lunch one day I was walking passed a table with a mother and daughter. The daughter looked at her sandwich and said "WOW! This is huge, I don't think I can fit in my mouth!" I absolutely HAD to say it... "That's what she said!" flew out of my mouth before I even had the chance to stop it! My inner Michael Scott was so proud, I'm pretty sure Steve Carrel smiled from where ever he was.
  The daughter laughed, but the mother death glared me. She pouted and said "How dare you, my daughter is a virgin." Of course of laughed.... I wonder if Amazon sells a word filter.... I need one!

As always, please let me know if you enjoy what I write!
- S

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